WHAT’S REALLY CAUSING YOUR LOW LIBIDO AND HOW TO BOOST IT NATURALLY
WHAT IS LOW LIBIDO?
It’s important to remember that everyone is different when it comes to their sex drive, so don’t feel like you need to be having the same amount of sex as your friends, or even wanting the same amount as your partner. Low libido is when you notice that your sexual desire is less than normal for you. Maybe it’s gradually decreased over months or years, or perhaps it’s suddenly dropped off a cliff. If you feel concerned about it being lower than normal, it’s time to look for some solutions.
In this article, I’m going to explore low libido from a woman’s perspective, as that is where I am coming from, and because the majority of my clients are women. I suspect, however, that some of the issues will be the same for everyone, regardless of gender.
As you will see, I believe low sex drive is a holistic issue that requires a holistic solution, and that the effect of stress and emotions is at least as great as the effect of our hormones.
CAUSES OF LOW LIBIDO
Often, we think that it must be our hormones to blame. We might be in our middle years, nearing perimenopause, or in the months and years after pregnancy, and aware that our hormones are fluctuating. Hormones can play a big part in reduced sex drive, but it is by no means the only factor at play. I want to delve into all the reasons behind this issue: I hope that some of them might be an awakening for you, and really get you thinking about all aspects of your life.
HORMONES
Yes, hormones do play an important part in your sexual desires, and any imbalances may have an effect. Oestrogen is the main sexual hormone that affects women’s sex drive, and also the main hormone to decrease in perimenopause. As it decreases, sexual desire also decreases. At this time, testosterone can also reduce. Although testosterone is more important for men, it also plays a key role for women, supporting oestrogen and helping maintain desire. If you are struggling with libido after pregnancy, it is likely to be partly because both oestrogen and progesterone drop dramatically after you have given birth.
STRESS
The impact of stress and anxiety on your libido cannot be overestimated. Cortisol, the main hormone produced during stress and anxiety, signals to our body that we are in danger and must prioritise survival over any other bodily process. If we are in survival mode, creating new life (and the sexual activity needed to produce it) is bottom of the priority list, we produce fewer sexual hormones, and sexual desire is greatly reduced.
Our bodies are designed to be in this fight-or-flight mode for only short periods of time. Unfortunately, in modern society, many of us are in a chronic state of stress, leading to depletion of the body’s resources and an inability to do anything other than survive our daily existence.
ENERGY DEPLETION
Hand in hand with stress goes depleted energy, brought on by the exhaustion of stress itself, and by the lack of sleep associated with it. You don’t need me to tell you that sex is the last thing on our minds when we are exhausted! See below for some solutions.
RELATIONSHIPS
Relationship difficulties inevitably impact desire for sexual contact. Lack of trust, anger, resentment, issues over childcare, parenting styles, the burden of wider family - these all come into play in how we relate to our partner. And it tends to be that the longer we have been with someone, the more significant these issues can become. It is very difficult to be sexually intimate with someone when you are not even emotionally intimate any more. It may simply be that the time-consuming business of daily reality - household, children, jobs - has become the way you relate to each other, with no time left to connect beyond day-to-day duties. Don’t worry, there are ways forward, and I will come onto those a bit later.
BOUNDARIES
Strongly connected with our relationships, is the issue of boundaries. It may apply to men too, but women in their middle years have so many emotional demands made on them that they are in a constant struggle to maintain their boundaries and protect their strength. At times it can almost feel like they are losing themselves under the demands of being everything to everyone - children, partner, colleagues, wider family, volunteering, etc. It is very natural, given this situation, that women protect themselves from sexual contact, in what can be seen as another intrusion on their boundaries. They don’t want to ‘lose themselves’ in sex while they are desperately trying to hold onto themselves.
CREATIVITY
It’s natural in our middle years that we begin to have a different relationship with creativity. The drive when we are younger is to creativity through the possibility of bringing new life into the world. Of course sex is connected to that, but it also fuels a creativity within us which is often directed to other ventures as well. As the primitive instinct to create new life diminishes, and stress, relationship issues and fuzzy boundaries emerge, our creativity can become reduced, in turn leading to reduced sex drive.
NATURAL WAYS TO BOOST YOUR LIBIDO
HOMEOPATHY
Homeopathy is a truly holistic health system and, as such, is wonderfully positioned to help with all these factors. A homeopath looks at you as a whole - the issues that bother you most, physical symptoms, emotional symptoms, your health history, your family’s health history - and tries to uncover the root causes so that they can be addressed for long-term recovery. Homeopathic remedies are chosen to rebalance the whole person as an individual, and there are remedies which focus on different areas such as hormones, sleep, anxiety, depression, lack of energy, and poor boundaries.
EXAMPLES ARE:
Arsenicum: may be helpful where there is sleeplessness brought on by anxiety, and a desire to maintain order while your world seems in a chaos that can be overwhelming.
Carcinosin: this is a great remedy where someone has lost their sense of themself and finds it hard to maintain their boundaries and say ‘no’ where necessary; people may have an excessive sense of duty, and guilt about doing the right thing.
Nat-mur: has an ability to help with hormonal balancing, the person may also be feeling low or depressed, especially following grief which has not been fully worked through.
Phos-ac: can be given where someone has become exhausted and indifferent to everything, especially after burn-out, grief or shock, and/or where periods are very heavy.
Sepia: often used for women after childbirth or in perimenopause, where there is a lack of libido with a desire to be alone, irritability, and a sensation of extreme heaviness.
It is really important to consult a homeopath for the most effective treatment. Remedies are far-reaching in their impact and a good homeopath will create an individualised health plan for you.
TAKING CARE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
Almost all relationship issues can be solved by one thing: communication. But sometimes it’s easier said than done. Often, the first thing to do is to find a time each week to sit down with your partner to have a conversation about how you’re feeling and what has been coming up for you. It’s useful to make a few rules for the conversation, such as: each person gets a chance to talk; no interrupting; no looking at or answering phones while you’re talking; no blaming each other, it’s just about how you feel; and maybe set a time limit if that feels helpful. In addition to this it might be useful to have a journal or just make a note of things that come up for you during the week. The first step to changing things is to notice where you are now.
Sometimes, problems may be deeper or may have gone on too long for you to be able to solve them by yourselves. In this case I really recommend some kind of talking therapy, either as a couple or individually. The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy has a list of accredited therapists so that you can find someone in your area.
MAINTAINING BOUNDARIES
The first step here, as with relationships, is to notice the problem: are you taking on too much, do you always want to be helpful, please other people, help people, or keep the peace? None of these are bad things in themselves, but if you are giving too much of yourself and feeling depleted or losing touch with your own needs, it would be a good idea to pull back.
If you’re too busy, don’t take on too much and practice saying no to things that would be overwhelming or stressful. If it’s hard for you to say no outright, buy yourself some time and say that you need to think about it or need to check your diary. This gives you the space to think about whether it’s really something you want to do, and the opportunity to say no in your own time.
If you feel you are losing yourself in the demands of others, I suggest finding one or two activities where you really feel yourself, where you are in control. Where is that for you? It might be a hobby, a sport, taking a long walk, doing something creative (see below), cooking. Anything that is your time, doing something that is just for you, would be fantastic.
NUTRITION
Eating a whole food diet, with a balance of protein, healthy fats and (not too many) carbohydrates, is one of the best things you can do for your hormones, your sleep, your energy, and it will even impact your stress levels. As a result, your libido will also get a great boost. I cover this in a lot more detail in Eating Right for Your Hormones and I urge you to take a look.
EXERCISE
Generally, moving your body has a positive effect on boosting libido. It can raise testosterone levels and improve blood flow, both of which help physically with sex drive. The release of endorphins improves mood, it can help reduce stress, and improve self-esteem, all of which boost sexual desire. Beware of overdoing it though, as over-exercising and exercising when you are already very tired and stressed, will deplete you further, lowering your immune system and your libido. Go gently with yourself and only do what feels good for your body.
MANAGING STRESS
Managing stress is a huge area, and one that we constantly have to keep on top of in the modern world. In my health coaching plans, I help clients find individualised solutions to their stress, depending on their personal needs. However, here are a few tips that are a great place to start:
Prioritise sleep: sleep will restore your energy, health and mind. Make time for 8 hours whenever possible. I go into sleep in much more detail in my blog Menopause Insomnia: Gain Relief Through Natural Remedies and Simple Steps, which includes sleep basics for everyone.
Seek help if you need it: if you are overwhelmed, reach out: to your partner, friend, boss, or a health professional, GP, therapist, homeopath or coach. Please don't suffer alone.
Take timeout every day: you need a few moments to think, breath and regroup every day. It doesn't have to be long: even a few minutes doing deep diaphragmatic breathing, or walking round the block, will make the world of difference. If you are able to find the time, mindful meditation, yoga, pilates and breathwork are wonderful practices to incorporate into your day or week.
Spend time with friends: friends provide company, laughter, a place to share a problem: it all makes you feel good and lowers your stress levels.
DEVELOPING CREATIVITY
As we enter into our middle years, I believe it is important to find a new relationship with creativity. Often, enabling our creative flow to develop will help move the stuck energies of our sexual creativity and allow that to flow again too. So, ask yourself where you find creativity. It might be somewhere we obviously think of as being creative, such as painting, drawing, pottery, or crafting. Or it may be slightly less obvious such as in our work, writing, gardening, putting together family photo albums, decorating the house, or dressing to express yourself.
If you’re not sure where to start, The Artist’s Way can be inspirational. Also, ask yourself what brings you joy. Maybe it’s something you loved as a child, maybe it’s something a bit frivolous, maybe it’s something no one else understands. It doesn’t matter, if it brings you joy, follow it!
HOW I CAN HELP
For holistic, natural help with homeopathy and health coaching, do get in touch.
I offer a FREE DISCOVERY CALL for you to talk through your symptoms with me, find out how I work, and ask all the questions you may have about homeopathy and health coaching. You can book this call or an appointment here:
If you found this useful, you may also like my articles EATING RIGHT FOR YOUR HORMONES, MENOPAUSE INSOMNIA, and WHY EARLY PERIMENOPAUSE IS THE BEST TIME FOR A HORMONAL RESET.
Thank you for reading!